The End is Here

Dear my fellow followers, thank you for your dedications and your enthusiasms. I am not gonna delete this blog but I will shut it down for good. So this will be my last post. Thank you for participating in what I firmly believe: love. May your zeal for Writing and Blogging fire you up in your every day!

See y'all! :)

Cheers.

With Love,

Steven Sanjaya

P.S. A new chapter wouldn't be the same again. Please do check it out: 1001 A-B-C's or Less . This time round, I will change (some of) the way(s) I write things and I will publish posts on daily basis. So, I hope to see you guys there!

formspring.me

Feel free to ask me some questions, anonymously or named. Will be glad to answer you. :) http://formspring.me/stevensan92

I do, I do, I do! Yes, I DO LOVE YOU!

Hey girl, do you know how much I love you? You won't know even though it is very obvious. I don't know why we all keep drifting away. What did I do to deserve this? Did you know that I missed the time! I really do miss that time when we were together. Only the two of us. When you held my arm and dragged me away from buying you an ice cream. That feeling just won't go away. And when you brushed my hair.. You mean SOMETHING for me.

I hope you read this. Right now. Because I really want to say that I really LOVE you! From the bottomless abyss of my heart, I can hear the voice that tells me to keep on sticking to you. But everytime that I'm near you, I always fail. You are a very good girl, a girl whose values are not of wordly values! You know you are very unique. Neither are you materialistic. You are such a simple girl; the kind of girl that I LOVE the MOST. Finding you is like locating a precious gem that I'd like to keep forevermore. Can this heart be wrong???

Hey GIRL, I need you in my life. I Love You. I really do LOVE you. I wish I could soften your heart. I wish I could bring myself back to those one joyful week. Thank you for her presence, God. I might not be the guy that she likes but one thing for sure, I will always love you. ALWAYS.

I Promise You I WILL

If I die, will you still remember me? I hope you will because at that point of time, the last thing that comes past my mind will be you. Only you. Those fingerprints that left a stain on my hands, those clutch that I will never ever forget. You, yeah ... you, honey that attracts.

Till the very last second of my life, you will always be that one. Yes, that one. All might have become so different by then. We would not be together but these memories will never ever break the ties between us. How could I know that I would fall for you? Who knew?

The first time I saw you, you were merely a plain woman; just like the rest. Merely an ordinary awesome young pretty lady and the thought of becoming your special one had never come across my mind. But since that day, that very day when I rolled the eight over and laid down the ninth, bonds started to have each others their ways. I chose to choose you! Yeah, you! Do you know how special it is?? Out of hundreds of women out there, I chose you! I realised that I had fallen for you. So much that everytime the thoughts and images of you never disappear.

Perhaps you've grown weary. Do you know that I am dismayed and maimed by your living tissue. Things might have gone awry but hey, you have my heart ... At least for the most part. I just didn't want it to be like this nor had I planned it to be like this. But if this is the best for both of us then yeah. Tainted is the Honey.

I am just lucky. Lucky to have met you. You make it easier when life gets hard. :)

"I'll wait for you. I promise you I WILL"

They Hurt

I cried just now. I have never cried like this for a long time. In a house all alone, I spent my time scrolling your photos over and over again. You are so beautiful but hey, I am not the only one who admires you. I am of different nationality and you might prefer one of the same.

And the fact that I have a secret admirer makes me wonder. Am I that great or is it just a prank? Or is it my alter ego?? I know I have more than one personality. But this just seems... so real! Am I Bean?? I don't know. Only psychiatrists know.

The fact that I may have another self: THAT HURTS.

The fact that you are running away: THAT HURTS

The fact that you are cold: THAT HURTS

The fact that you are ignoring me: THAT HURTS

The fact that you don't want to reply me: THAT HURTS.

They hurt. They just hurt.

When 19 is The Number

Parents are not here. Friends forget my birthday. What's the world gonna be without online social-networking sites? Those friends turn out to be just friends. Some will pass the test; many will lose; Even more will surrender without fighting. Secluded and unknown. Yeah. Life could be better.

So, happy birthday to me!

Steven, you've been such a great self! I love you for your principles, for your storm-resistiveness, for your life, for your talents, for your stories, for your status and most importantly ... FOR YOUR OWN SELF. Thank you God, I have a chance to live here, on earth. Thank you Lord for the health that You have granted to me. Thank you Jesus for those 18 years. Thank you.

Thank you. :)

I Want to Play a Game

Hello my dear friends, I want to play a game.

Since the very beginning, all of you have friends to look after you, to be cared-for, to be groomed by. Ironically you all have never thought of helping your friends in time of troubles. Having been living a life through blinded eyes, this time I chose to have you blindfolded. And the hopelessness you are struggling with is what you bestowed unto others. Some of you call it karma, I call it justice. Right now, lying 120 cm in front of your abdomen is a pair of chainsaws; as time ticks the chair will move forward, 10 cm in every 10 seconds, and eventually rip your body into half. Your hands are tied to the armrests and the key to your life lies 30 cm in front of your face. Your neck is shackled and its rear part is connected to a chain which is tied to your 5 best friends on the carousel. If you move your head to the front, you will choke the others to their deaths. If you don't, the others will make you suffocate to your last breath. But you will want to push your head forward in order stay alive. Within the last 2 minute of your life I offer you the second chance.

Only one of you will survive. Make your choice.

"Let the game begin"

And There It All Starts

Just like a light in the dark, you seem to be the answer to my heart. The key to my future. But some things remain a shadow in you. Joyful, friendly, pretty, heartfelt, fervent and devout might have been the perfect words to describe you. To me you are all but a perfection. But things ...

Things could have gone differently if I hadn't chosen to be here, right now. In every moment that I take, you are always there before me. Your ubiquitous virtual image always appears. Slowly and step by step, reaching towards you is not an easy thing to do. My heart is craving for a big leap but yet, it has always failed me. I fear ...

Fear of losing you has always consumed me. But heck, I move on. All those situations that revolve around me don't deserve my priority. Prior to nine-three of last year I had been lost but you gave me a brand new hope just like an oasis for those lost in the desert. Really and really ...

Really thank God for your presence.Though you don't and won't notice, at the end of my day the truth will prevail. For you.

You are such a blessing. :)

(You are) Without a Guarantee

The storm in my life is never-ending. The seas roar and the earth shakes as if I were not wanted; the end of time for me is near. Could this life have been better? Perhaps not. Such a forgotten child that has been wandering in search for the truth. The truth was you ... Yea, it was you until this day came across the time barrier to prove that, once again, God has another plan for me.

Our Love is Without a Guarantee. Whose isn't?

Every time they say: "The more NO you'll encounter, the more nearer you are to YES". But the nearer I am to the edge of the most edge, the harder I find it this world to live by. God surely has another plan for me which I know He will give the best for me. But, it is really painful to receive the fact that all of them are gone ... just like that. So unloved and uncared-for might be the best words to describe what I am feeling right now. This very moment freezes the seconds when I met you and depicts your beautiful, ice-melting smile. Could life be better without you? Of course as long as I will it!

Maybe I am unworthy of your smile. So yes, someone deserves you better than I do. One way or another, I will need to be able to let go of you, of your presence and of your  dashing smile. You are so perfect to me! But ... when love wants to fly you can't keep it down. You are FREE now. Fly wherever you want to be.

And ... See you! Till destiny meets us.

Steven

Decrypt or be Decrypted!

Hello there! Curiosity is slowly consuming your nerve cells! Your brain suddenly starts becoming itchy. Yeah, I know .. Technically, I know how it feels to be a part of investigating your friend's sweetheart. Ain't it fun if you're able to tell who your  friend's secret love is, right?

So here I am giving you a couple of clues (and for each clue I provide you what you would find in it):

1 (Don't you hate it when someone calls you by your nickname???)

Out of 26 alleys that were leaving their gates opened, I found one was very interesting. So then I rolled. I noticed one thing: the street this alley lay on was solely dwelled by boomerang crafters. From the shape of it, out of nowhere, I recalled a notable thing which made my day complete. This so-called boomerang community was unexpectedly still active although it had been 10 o'clock in the night! You made my day invertedly whole by 60 degrees.

2 (I am hungry without it!! And still I am. I have never had enough!)

As if my heart were astonished by this earthquake! Even the hydrogen covalent bonds would break apart when you do it too harsh. But heck, it is one of your unforgettable delicacies.

3 (Sometimes, home is NOT where the heart is!)

As I rolled down the street, I found her. But darn it, I don't understand her and she doesn't understand me. Complete madness.

Well, as for now, I've got only 3 clues for you. But I think that should be enough. :)

Happy decoding!

Oh and leave some comments so I can track your progress - if that's how you want it to be. :)

Unexpected

I can't help myself but thinking of you! And the thing is: I discovered you inside the realm of unknown. Seems like there is a psychiatrists-can't-even-describe loophole unconsciously tunneling the image of this serene being in my head! You are a piercing through the crack in the chest. It is YOU that made me write this chunk of words that are eventually forming into perpetual online akwardness.

Let this realm introduce itself to you, face-to-face.

Although tomorrow is the first day of my final examinations, can't you see that I am putting efforts into this thing? You've gotta be asking why. So, why? Because I was so enthralled by your unexpected, shocking presence! Seriously.

April 1, 2011 is somewhat but a dream that literally stung and electrified me to the extent in which I could not distinguish the reality and the neverland. The effect is durable and long-lasting. I still remember that in the midst of carnage, I was there with you. We were holding hands together as though we had been seperated for infinity.

I didn't think of the fact that you had been there all the time but yet, my eyes were full of dirt. :)

Though I Haven't Met You

You were carried away by the way air flows from the higher ground to the sea. You didn't push yourself to go against the current or ... you didn't notice that you had been carried away so far that you couldn't even remember who you had been before that single clip grounded you and made you its base for such critical nonsense(s). And the time I dip the tip of my toe in you, you don't taste the same anymore. You ... have lost your flavour. You are amazingly, constantly freezing and chilling me to the bone.

People say that humanmade loves will never satisfy you. At first I was skeptical. But hereafter I believe that you will never find yourself at home except you learn the truth that God, your creator, loves you even more. His unconditional love is like an unending stream that falls off the cliff of clouds to fill us with His splendor, might, majesty and to be exact, His Everlasting Love for the wretched and lonely souls.

I'm gonna wait for you even though I haven't met you.

I found it quite an uneasy way to forget you, though. Although this thing could I have achieved but I am still a being. Even animals need mates. I believe it is our unethical way of seeking for you residing somewhere in the diaspora.

I never remember the way you dismember me. But I have always been able to recall how I was so close to you. But heck, the band is dismissed. Soaring and wandering across the plains of emptiness is where the dot will appear. The heat brings me even farther away.

Being dragged away from where I used to be. And as I am going to and fro, as surely as the acid rain is yet to pour down, I am to be exposed to the radiation you've emitted ever since. And I know that I need something.

That something I have yet to meet.

Some Things just End that Way

Arrived at home. The first thing I saw through the window was a teenage couple making out under the gazebo reminding me of the good old days. From my youngest year, I haven't felt this much of sadness around me. Well, I'm all alone stranded here and something is just missing. Perhaps all I need is just your attention and ... your affection. Perhaps all I need to do is reaching out to you. But I don't want to knock your door, break in and hold you for a ransom. Then what? You can't be shared. You can never get out of that trap. You haven't even tried tossing it away. You don't even try. You don't.

I wish I wish I wish!! But fate speaks against me. Well, there are some things that I can't handle. They are just out of control. But this! This happens, and I am, again, too late. Can't fix it. Let the time tell you the truth. Yes, the time that will never render, the time that will always be at my back, the time that always supports and sustains me through the dark morrows, the time that polishes the rusty stainless heart, the time that never looks back, the time that always runs with me, the time that keeps you dreaming, the time that whispers goodwill and promises all will be just fine, the time that never betrays me, that time that dies for me and you. Yes, that time.

Then now I make up my mind. That I admit that this crusade shall end, that you deserve a meal that's been keeping you full. You might be a fool, but this doesn't seem right. Though the Righteousness that you adore might have bought you a rollerskate, you can't just let the days speeding by and allow it to feel the false sense of security that you give as a sign of hunger that brings about my wrath and condemnation that you will never forget and even that, you are never satisfied. So, what's the point of thinking of you?? Yes, you had better keep on walking the same track whose end comes to an unquestioning, lasting pleasure. Keep on moving, it's not a dead end.

So, bye-bye! I shall never look up to you again, anymore, anyhow."

"Farewell! God knows when we shall meet again." - William Shakespeare

Slipping Away

Me amazed or you transmitting intoxicating, heady fragrance? Believe me not but, there is something unique ... shining in you. Attached to me is a misplaced soul-craving hunger and thirst for it. Yet it is nothing but a brainwashed superstition lurking inside every corner of my brain. Covered are the eyes of mine and they are deceiving me with a picturesque figure standing tall in front of me. Blurred am I ... Is that even me on the mirror?

Drunk by the blood of the saints, carried away by a long-haul speed-of-light journey to the farthest supercluster it could never reach, gripped inside the palm of God I can't control subversive little things which have been happening to me, and day by day the walls are crumbling down ... kneeling down in awe of your mightiness.

But ... you've changed. The vivid being inside the frame is being secretive. Yes, I know it. That nobleman from the east has stolen it from you, hasn't he? Yes, I can tell: How the dark, circular couple at the centre of your iris responds to the contact on your twelve? How the hearing organ welcomes his gentle voices? How you ever wave to him, but not to me? And how your primal instinct tells you through the speech of your living tissue? ... They are clear. As clear as a cloudless sky, as sizzling as newly-spewed lava scorches everything on its path, as blinding as Little Boy landed on Hiroshima and Fat Man corroded Nagasaki, as raging as a Chechen rebel trying to overthrow the Federation, as deteriorating as fire burning California and as sorrowful as the mourning demise of Pope John Paul II. Your Skepticism.

Unsettled

Can't decide. It seems like I've lost and am lost. Can't tell but I can feel. The destitute soul that's craving for a jet crash. Keeps on lurking and studying you from down under. Asking myself whether you're worth it or not. Comparing and comparing. Well, if we were to die together, why not?

Is it me that can't let go? Or is it you that keeps on pulling me? If you don't mind, please don't hold to a piece of wooden stick for it's fragile. Since when did you become empty-minded? So-called virtual parasite is sticking on you and you love it being with you, don't you? Well, if we were meant to be, why not?

You're fading away. But all of a sudden you drag yourself back. Pieces by pieces these memories won't degrade. Is it a total failure in my brain's recycling system? Or is it your virus that keeps on replicating in my soft drive? I installed an antivirus in the system, but your malice is there penetrating the firewall. Well, if I were to eject my CPU, why not?

You are a two-faced human. And you possess a deformed "heart". Yeah, "heart". Evil are you! From afar I am casting you some spells. From the beginning I have been practicing some witchcraft. From the dawn I have mixed some potions for you to drink. From the day I met you, I have been having nightmares. Nightmares of being cast stone on me! Well, if you are falling for that pestilence, why not? For you are drunk and will never have the "enough" taste for him.

Minding my Own Business

Dictated by you, Oh Princess o'Charm. Towards the pointlessness state-wise, I was indirectly cursed to have signed a pact with the devil. I blame again: "Why me? Why did my heart fall for you?" Trying to persuade my mind to control this fragile, imaginary thing called "heart". But it fails all the time since my mind follows, never argues and will never disobey it.

Our paths may be different. But my burning desire for you is unchangable and unquenchable "until I've got you". That's the problem. I am truly provoked by every single thing you have captured with another member of looney-lump-of-boogers group. Completely disarrayed as time keeps on walking, I once arranged to teach a lecture. But the one-go-mission is ago.

I hope it fades with the sunset. But it's not. Even the celestial starry nighttime is making fun of me. Thoughts of you have been wandering inside this corner-less brain and inflicting pain throughout every living tissue I possess. I am pretending to be as cheerful as possible but I know someday I will face the dead-end. So, there's no point of hiding it again, huh?

Another morning has been and is always him and his game. No matter how fallen you are, girl, this mind is looking away from you. But, you know my mind follows my heart, and my heart tells me something.

P.S. -ing suffix simply means: action or process. I am literally trying to mind my own business.

The Law of Attraction

Negative charges repel another negative charges. But how weird it sounds when you know that they attract positive charges? There must be some kind of code of laws which the mother nature made long before the universe expanded, long before we were born onto this world.
But ... we can't violate it, can we?

I have been living 18.5 years of my life. I have seen many things: I have seen how unique we are. I have seen how we communicate. I have seen a joyous marriage. I have seen a driven divorce. I have seen a person died. I have seen a kid was born. I have seen a person flew to the moon. I have seen the climate change. I have seen the sea level rises. I have seen mountains spew ashes and lava.
But ... I haven't seen what and who I will be. Will I live the rest of my days in desolation?

Most of the time I spend predicting and forecasting the will-not-be-unravelled image through a bland frame. Most of the time I practise good attitudes and abide by the laws. Most of the time I spend imagining, portraying and depicting you. Most of the time I approach my dear imaginary-yet-real figure without her knowing that I just fell for her.
But ... Most of the time you spend ignoring.

Apparently you are just abducted. Apparently I am just thinking it wrongly. Apparently you are just going further and further away. Apparently I am just driving in a wrong lane. Apparently you are just joking. Apparently I just take it too seriously. Apparently you are just not who you were. Apparently I am just misled.
But ... Apparently you are put aground in such a serious case that you can't get out of there alive.

I can't and won't be bothered. But ... you attract so much attention. And you deserve it.

There is Never a [Zero Percent]

Who are you to be around? Who are you to take control? Who are you to be in charge of this situation? You and I are just walking away from each other. Heading towards the two 180-degrees, totally different destinations. I turned my head to the back, and I can see you moving away, away, away and the farther you are, the stronger this force is pulling me. Persecuted am I. Did you even say goodbye? Did you even look to your back? Yeah, he has enticed you.

To the morning I am clinging. Throughout the days I am mesmerised. Thoughts of you are haunting me ... day and night. Through the valley of the shadows I go with just one little wish. Landing on my mind: "Can I survive this barren life? If I did survive, will I survive you?" High, impassable mountains, deep blue oceans are there but I know that the forlorn hope's still got its 0.01 percent of success. To the unknown I am giving my life.

The image of being lost is unpleasant. Yet, it is exactly what you are yearning. I, also, am aware of your being dragged away. I am wondering if I had cut the cord that was holding you ... long before the day I realised that you're being held hostage ... but just like a foolish, idiotic yet lunatic person I was, I know I couldn't. Just like a marionette I am, driven by an outlandish force.

Still I long for the day we will meet again. I didn't notice that I was smart enough to decode despite tens of thousands of fortnights are spent desolated.. History has it that even Spanish explorers made their way to the west, they met the Portuguese sailing to the east. Which also concludes that I know that someday, somewhere we are going to be standing face-to-face, saying 'hi' for the second time. Yeah, for the second time.

To the Heart of the States

You're a two-legged reptile. The blood that's flowing through your veins is ... cold. There is no other word that could define your cold-blooded-ness. To the heart of the States I am reaching. The shellings worth nothing but friendly fires. Forests raged by fire. O=O is wearing thin.

Choked am I. Suffocated. Surrendered. I'm giving my life to the Most High.

Am lying still on the green pastures. The ravaged, war-torn horizon changes to a perfect, sunny day. All I can see is the clear, blue sky. I can't breathe. I know it is my time. It is inevitable. Deprivation of oxygen makes my vision blurry. Disillusioned state of mind as the Angel of Death is approaching. I feel peace.

Dancing with the dead is your vibe. I have been trying to be within your aura, relentlessly. Now, I am in the dead men's world. Are you all satisfied? No. Is it even gone unnoticed? Instead, you are ... dancing with someone else.


How shattered my heart be. Seeing your reflection with him in the air, but I am unseen. Been spending my days here in the lamentation shouting at you. Yelling as loud as I can do. Everything ventured, nothing gained. In the purgatory where even the sun is no match I wish: "If only I could turn back time ...."

"If only I had told you the truth". It was a long journey to you. A really long journey. But how could I, a mere private and the lowest-rank of all, fall in love with you, my queen?